How to make marriage work? - Value the Value

Values drive behavior

It is interesting to recognize the fact that each human being has a distinct personality which is manifested through their behaviors. The behavior is the result of the "Values" each individuals have in their bosom developed right from the childhood conditioning or 'Vasana' of previous incarnations. The girl grew up for 25 years in her family with their value system, eating habits, liking for certain dresses, taste for certain type of food and so on. Similarly the boy grew up in his ambience has his own value system which will be largely different from the girl he is marrying. This fact has to be accepted and respected for any relationship to stay strong.

In India the social custom is the girl has to severe her umbilical chord from her family and adopt to the husbands family. This poses a problem as shifting the paradigm and aligning with a new set of values is not all that easy. In the name of inter-cast / religion marriages we introduce still more differences like language, religious belief, culture and many more.

When two human beings live together and share their life, every act in the day to day life has different view points and leads to 'Conflict'. Husband wants to eat outside and wife believes they must eat at home! Wife wants chinese food and husband wants Panjabi food! These differences continues in the choice of cloths and all other choices there on! Conflict, Conflict and conflict.  We have not been trained to resolve conflicts and hence the fight starts for all silly reasons till it becomes unbearable to stay together. Maturity is in fact understanding the value difference and accepting it. When we try to change the values and behaviors overnight it reaches the boiling point. How can one undo something which is formed over quarter century in this life and many millions of old incarnations? 

It is strange that these differences don't matter during the pre-marriage dating where both partners are so flexible to each other which becomes a monster after sharing life? What is the difference? the people are the same and they believed that they were 'Loving' each other? If Love helped to lubricate friction between each other, where it has disappeared after wedding? Love cannot disappear over night after a week of honey moon? as it is a deep connection like 'Mother's love to her child which as no Expiry date'??

The issue is the 'love' itself was nothing but 'Lust' which has a weak foundation and once the sexual gratifications are fulfilled, what is left is 'Nothing'! If a person truly loves someone, he/she will value the differences and conflict resolution will be fun. Let us look at an example of another relationship - Mother and her child. The child wants something and the mother feels the other way leading to conflict. Say for example the child has fever and wants to eat ice cream. The mother deeply concerned about the health of the child deals with the adamant child with Love. When Love is predominant and value differences are accepted as natural phenomenon, it is extremely easy to resolve conflicts. 

Hence if you want your marriage to work:

1. Learn to appreciate the Value difference of your spouse.
2. Accept him / her as they are.
3. Love is 'Un-conditional' - You cannot say 'I will love you if like Chinese food'
4. Conflict are 'fun' - if they are not there; nothing left in life.
5. Respect the choice of your spouse which is coming from her / his value.
6. Put a barometer and check 'Whether' you really love your spouse and if not ask why you are living with that person?
7. If you really love your spouse, you will be keen to see that person happy always.
8. If that is your motive, your ego will never stay in the way to give way your choices for your spouse.
9. Lastly, close your eyes and imagine 'Your spouse is not going to be there tomorrow' and think what are all you will do to keep that person happy. Don't wait for that day, start right now with this thinking. 
10. Imagine you are in your death bed and feeling all that kind acts you missed to do to your spouse and the harsh words you spoke. This will roll down tears in your eyes and don't wait till your last day; start being kind to your spouse.

"Your sanity is the result of the loved ones in your life which starts with your spouse - Be thankful to them"

Jai Gurudev

Love

NC

Personality Development - Lesson:12

 YOUR BLESSED FACULTIES

We saw earlier human beings are blessed with hardware & software - BMI (Body, Mind & Intellect) which does the functions such as PFT (Perceives, Feels & Thinks respectively). Swami Vivekananda once said "If the wrist watch is having three needles and each running at different speed, it is because, some one designed that way. This means "for every 'effect' there is a 'cause' and effect cannot exist without a cause!". Motor car would not popped up from heaven without "Henry Ford" inventing it?

Accordingly, God is the designer who has been designing various forms of matter over millions of year. If you are allergic with this word "GOD", please substitute it with 'Nature' or 'Aliens' as modern propaganda going on! We are willing to believe Alien theory but don't want to accept "God" theory. Anyway it is certain that one of us are not orchestrating these evolutions secretly hiding some where? because we are incapable of that mighty work.

Things EVOLVED from Minerals, Plants, Animals and then Human which we refer in the name of evolution. The next question is "Why God is doing it after all?". I am asking a question "Why we are chasing wealth after all?". The answer is "We have nothing else to do here in this planet!". In spite of knowing we cannot take even a penny after death still we do! Similarly God wanted an entertainment and hence 'Playing'!

Vedic seers say it is the 'Leela of God' to make the next model better than previous one. For minerals, God did not provide 'life' which he did to plants later. He added mind and mobility to animals. For human beings he added 'Intellect'. Minerals had only body, plants got life, animals got mind and human were lucky to get all plus 'intellect'. 

The point is 'Do we know we are the most advanced species on earth?'  Do we know the power we have out of these faculties? Veda says our soul took 200 million births and deaths before it became  human.  ‍‍

This implies that we are "Empowered" to achieve something beyond the horizon of the lower end of species? If so what it could be?

JAI GURUDEV

LOVE

NC

Thoughts to Myself - Seeking Attention

These days if anyone talks ill of social media will be outcast as we are so much sucked into these virtual false life. When we wake up, the first thing we want to see is 'Whats up?' Cell phone becoming a smart phone has virtually robbed our peace and freedom. How these clever people hijacked our freedom to make money? One is declaring it is "Free" as human beings wants to take even cow dung if it is free. Secondly by "Filling our empty feeling" as modern society lost their sense of fulfillment and feels internally empty. Due to this constantly we are looking for something to keep ourself occupied.

When we click the 'Like' button in the media, are we really 'Liking' that guy showing his pot belly in the beach during his holiday or someone eating Pizza. We want to still click the button because I want that guy to click mine!! This is what meant when we say 'I scratch your back & you scratch mine". 

One thing is certainly happening in "Kaliyuga" - There is a huge 'Emptiness' in our bosom" for which we are seeking attention like a child. These emptiness is filled with the number of likes counted like Sensex. Alas! Strange to receive request from people canvassing to click 'Like'. 

We were once exploited by teaching 'English' and now by social media. As Indians we are perennially decided to be a slave of someone - initially mogul emperors, then British and now social media. 

In fact I must fill my emptiness with the contact with the Divine in me and not 'Likes'. If I like divine in me I don't need to count my 'likes' in media which is utterly false. 

Jai Gurudev

Notes to Myself - Prayer

Common human beings believe some one as GOD is sitting up in heaven and controlling everything in this Universe who will grant their 'Wants'. He/she prays 'I want this and that' and promises God that 'I will shave my head or break 101 coconuts once you grant my prayer!!'.  I fail to understand why not 100 coconut instead of 101?

When we ask something from God for selfish desires it cannot be called as prayer. We ask Mercedes and willing to exchange our useless 'hair'. What is the value of the hair after all? If they say 'I will cut my fingers' I can appreciate. The hair has the least value as when it falls in the food we shout at our wife. 

When he / she does not get what they wanted, they get upset and stop going to the temple. Is it not a stupid business? Does that mean the God is a business man who exchanges Mercedes for Hair? It is said one can reach divine salvation only when they dissolve their 'ego', which is the 'I' concept of self. 

If so when we pray 'I want' in which 'I' is present which becomes a selfish act. Swami Sukhbodananda once said "EGO" is 'Edging God Out'. He means that the moment ego 'I' is present, God cannot be present. It is like when you see the rope and misunderstand it is a snake, you are afraid and try to run away. But when you recognize it is only a rope you cannot see the snake. This means you can see snake or the rope but not both at the same time. Similarly either we are ego or divine.

Hence stop praying for yourself and pray for all. I remember a story in Emperor Akbar who once was praying asking for more wealth. A beggar who came for alms started walking away. Akbar saw him leaving away called him and asked why he was leaving. The beggar said "I saw you begging to God while praying and when you yourself a beggar what is the point I am getting something from you." 

Let there be health & happiness to all.

Jai Gurudev

Personality Development - Lesson:11

YOU ARE NOT AN INSTRUMENT

We saw human beings are made up of 'The Body' which is a matter that 'Perceives', the 'Mind' the OPERATING system which instructs the body to act based on 'Feelings' and the 'Intellect' the 'Thinker' which distinguishes right & wrong. 

We have the option to act only based on feelings from the Mind or refer the matter to Intellect which can advice better. When the matter is reviewed by Intellect, invariably we take right decisions as compared to acting based on 'Feelings' from Mind. 

Swami Chinmayananda once said "Acting from the mind is like the peon in Government office taking decisions and referring to Intellect is like the officer taking decisions.

Finally actions (Karma) is through the 5 action organs such as hands, legs, vocal chord, excretion organs & reproductive organs. All these 'Karmas' are driven by "DESIRE".

 

Enough for the day

Jai Gurudev

Love

NC

Personality Development - Lesson:10

KNOW YOUR INTELLECT

We have seen so far two layers of human psychological anatomy namely Body & Mind in which Body perceives the external World through 5 senses as instruments and sends to Mind which acts as a Processor and responds with a 'Feelings'. We also learned Feeling is different from Thoughts. Feeling has no 'Rationale' like for example when you are angry the action initiated is invariably wrong which means the 'Mind' cannot evaluate the after effects. For human beings Nature has blessed with yet another faculty called 'INTELLECT' which is not bestowed to animals. 

'Intellect' is the faculty by which we recognize the good and the bad. The science may claim 'Mind' & 'Intellect' both are brain functions but they are qualitatively different since Mind responds with a FEELING but INTELLECT screens the action. 

For example if some one known to you not noticed you, mind gets angry but intellect says 'they could have been preoccupied'. In summary if we act on feelings we will be invariably wrong and if we take decision to act after using our intellect we might be right. Hence next time check out; Are you responding from 'Mind - M' or from 'Intellect - I' 

Jai Gurudev. 

Love NC

How to make marriage work? - Paradigm of Love

One of the most important ingredient for a successful marriage is 'Love' that connects the two human beings. Although the real meaning of the word love is so obvious, the outcome of the relationship before & after marriage is not proving this point. In the modern days "Love marriages" have become common to the extent that, if some one says their's was an "Arranged marriage" it is a stigma in the society. Lets us look at the paradigm 'Love' which is the most abused part of human life which means different to different people.

The statistic reveals that the divorce are maximum among the love marriage! This makes me to think that the so called "love" is a misnomer here as Love is not not a "Contract" for a period as it is not time bound or conditional. If I say to my wife, "I will love you subject to the condition you make a tasty Pulav", which mean that I love Pulav more than my wife! If a condition is attached then it cannot be classified as 'Love' as love is un-conditional. If I love my wife for her physical beautify (as it is in most of the cases), then it will be soon on rocks as beauty is transient. 

Since marriage stems from the concept called 'love' we need to deep dive into this word to see what is the true paradigm. In the west they called having sex as "Making Love", an adolescent boy or girl calls "Infatuation" as love, a devotee like Ramakrishna Paramahansa called his "devotion" to Mother Kali as love. In the adulthood a young boy and girl say "We have 'fallen' in love". It is strange how one can 'fall' in love and if so why it becomes stale after marriage?

The girl and a boy who dated for many years and then married are keen to divorce within a year!! What is that they did not know about each other came to light after marriage? Why when secretive cell phone calls for hours while dating becomes a nagging calls which needs to be cut after marriage? Why roaming away in Coffee shops was so pleasurable while dating and becomes a drudgery after marriage? There is something fundamentally wrong in the paradigm of Love or else these scenarios will not be a reality. From the foregoing content "Love" is the name given to the 'Stupid Lust" which has sex as the motive in all cases of union between a male and a female. Naming 'Lust' as 'Love' is not only stupid but also destroys the sacred meaning of love!

Let us look at the context of 'Love' a mother has towards its baby which starts its genesis in her womb as a single cell and grows into a baby. The mother wants to give away everything for the sake of her child and this emotion is also called Love! Shri. Ramakrishna Paramahansa was declared mad after seeing his profound love towards the deity "Khali" in the Dhakneshwar temple and was separated to Bhelur Mutt across the river Yamuna where he starved to death gazing at the Mother's temple! They were forced to bring him back to the Mother to save his life! What is Love? Is the one all mothers have upon their children or the infatuation of youngsters who divorce after a year?

If someone does not love their spouse after marriage, in all fairness has to admit that they married to fulfill their physical gratification and when job is done they have no more connection with that human being! To make marriage work there must be something connecting the two human beings beyond physical gratification for which an introspection is needed to find whether we truly love our spouse.   

How to make Marriage work? - Lesson:2

Our Paradigms about Marriage - 1

Paradigms are mental maps which drive our actions. Let us look at few paradigms about marriage in this post. 

For some historical reasons the society believes that 'Men are stronger than woman' and hence they should dominate and control them. This is evident from the joke "Marriage is the costliest way to get your laundry done!" This is ridiculous in my opinion because it indirectly implies that the women are supposed to wash the men's cloth. When I was a irresponsible bachelor my mother used to say "This fellow will become alright once he is married and after all who will look after him after my days?" Can you see the rider in my mothers agenda? 'Look after' which means cooking food, give birth to my child and wash my clothes !! Alas, someone did not produce a 'Girl' child for my slavery. In reality women are stronger than men; may not be physically but emotionally and many times intellectually. Let us take few areas to prove this paradigm wrong.

For some unknown reason nature has decided that woman will bear the child and the poor lady carries that little one for 9 months which is the result of few minutes of pleasure for the husband! After the baby is born, she sacrifices her sleep, comfort etc and looks after that baby for 24X7. When the guy waits outside the maternity labour room to see his baby and the moment that "Chintoo" is handed over in his hands, he keeps it for less than a minutes and immediately hands over to the midwife. He does not realize that his wife carried that baby for nine months!!

Just imagine for a while if the nature has decided that the first baby will be delivered by the wife and the next one by the husband, in this world there will be only one child for all families! Alas the very idea of carrying the baby in the stomach and the delivery pain is frightening for the men of this World!! If the guy cannot hold that Chintoo for more than a minute how he will carry the same in his belly for nine months? Now tell me who is strong, Men or Woman?

If you carefully study men of all ages have attempted to abuse the interest of the women - be it dowry system or child marriage or forced to shave off their heads after the demise of the husband or forced to enter the pyre of the husband and so on. In most of the custom the woman has to be tied a Mangalsutra (a rope tied around the neck on the day of the marriage) as an ID that she belongs to a man. Why this should not be applicable to men by some ID? Is it not a sign of a slavery because one human claiming rights on the other?

Let us deal with these paradigms one after the other because if there is no "Paradigm Shift" there is no improvement in the quality of married life.

Jai Gurudev
Love
NC    

Personality Development - Lesson:7

Know your Mind

In the previous lessons we saw the functionality of human body which is like the hardware of a computer which has 5 input and 5 output devices. The input devices are our 5 senses which help us to perceive the external World and 5 output devices with which we act in the World. If these ten organs are 'Hardwares', then where is the software that processes the stimuli that reaches your brain? 

Akin to the operating system of a computer there is a functionality bestowed to human which is called the 'Mind'. We can't search the location of the mind like we can't ask the computer designer to show the OS (Operating system) as this is intangible ie 'Subtle' in the Vedic parlance which means it can't be cognized with 5 senses. 

Like the OS takes decision on computer inputs, the mind take decision on stimulus sent through the senses. For example if you see a 'Jangri' (A funny sweet very famous in India) your senses send the signal to mind and it says go and grab it although you are diabetic.

We will learn more about mind later. For the time being please note it is an 'Instrument' like your hand or feet. We will see its functionality and limitations in the next lesson.

Enough for the day.

Jai Gurudev.

Personality Development - Lesson: 6

How personalities determined?

In the previous lesson we saw the term 'Personality' is applicable for only human beings. If is so why each one of us are different? There are many reasons for this but most predominant one is called "Conditioning" which means our subconscious programming. Akin to operating system of a computer we have a sub-conscious program which runs our life in the form of manifested behaviors. The computer designer has determined that the computer should respond to different commands in a particular way. For example when you press the key 'A' in the keyboard, the OS (operating system application) recognizes and displays the letter 'A' in the terminal. In the same way each person's OS makes him / her to respond as per their "Conditioning" which is their OS! Then the next question is who wrote those OS and when? 

 It is written between our birth and till 7 years of age. If so who have written the program? Yes! You guessed it right - parents, teachers and other social interactions. Every time the child goes through a situation a line of the program is written. For example If the child has faced frequent put downs it tends to become inhibitive and so on. It is like the child elephant tied with a rope in the leg never tries to break even when it becomes a mighty animal which can uproot the tree itself.

Enough for the day.

Jai Gurudev.

Personality Development - Lesson:5

What is Personality?

The personality is the sum total of our behaviors manifested over a time. For example the situation remaining the same each one of us manifest different behaviors. If some one dear to you is not noticing you when you return home, one person may get upset and another may not. In an interview one may boldly answer and another may bite the nails. 

Interestingly there is no personality concept in animals like all lions are the same which has a stereotype behavior. The unique behavior of human being is called personality. It is very difficult to give one single definition of the word personality as the expressions are so widely varies between human beings. As we move along we will cover more insights on this topic.

Enough for the day.

Jai Gurudev.

Personality Development - Lesson: 4

In the last lesson we saw the western meaning of the word Personality which is 'Acting' wearing Mask. It is how we manipulate people faking oneself. When we pretend and not authentic we become a 'hypocrite' and our integrity is shattered. When there is no alignment between 'What we think, talk and act', we become a hypocrite. We may feel we are clever but the other person can easily figure out we are not trust worthy as our 'intentions' become evident at some point in time.

Swami Shukhbodananda once said "If you keep a rose flower in your pocket the fragrance will be evident". Similarly our "Intention" is like the fragrance which will be known to others even though we hide behind our external behaviour. Hence a true "Personality" is manifestation of principles which Steven Covey called "Character Ethics". The Vedic meaning of Personality is entirely based on our inner self which we will see in next lesson.

Enough for the day.