How to make marriage work?

Your Spouse needs a Psychological space

One of the reason why marriage leads to a savor taste is when the spouse try to possess and control the other. This attitude leads to suffocation because one tries to snatch the freedom of choice for food, dress, vacation and many other options. There are many personal choices with in the frame work of moral boundaries which when denied we start hating that human being, however good their intention could be. In any relationship recognizing the fact that the other person is entitled to have their opinion and choices is very important to sustain the relationship. When we try to breath through the throat of our spouse, it is said to be an 'Immature' behavior. Great thinkers have attempted to define what is maturity and I am reproducing few of them here in connection with our context:

"Maturity is when you stop trying to change people , and instead focus on changing yourself"

"Maturity is when you accept people as they are"

"Maturity is when you let go of your loved one's way"

"Maturity is when you are able to drop 'expectations' from a relationship and give for the sake of giving"

One of the famous thinkers of modern times Khalil Gibran in his book "The Prophet" said, for any relationship to sustain both the parties have to leave a 'Psychological space' for each other; what does this mean? He gives a simile of a civil structure in which the pillars are spaced in certain distances - If the distance is too short there will be no space to move around, at the same time if they are too far away the ceiling cannot stay in its position!   Another simile is ' while a man and a woman dance they cannot hold each other tight nor stay too far away! The dance is graceful only when they provide sufficient freedom for each other to move.This means in every relationship we need a reasonable space for stability.

When we recognize the need for the life partner to feel good about themselves through 'Freedom of Choice' the relationship starts blossoming. When we come from the paradigm 'What I like should be the choice of the universe', then the trouble start. After all there is nothing called a best color or best food and best of anything and it is foolishness to believe what we like is the best one.

To end with a quote from Mark Twain:

"If my wife is away I feel lonely; but when she is with me I feel suffocated"

Live and let live your spouse for a mutually enjoyable married life.

Jai Gurudev

Love

NC