Parenting - Obedience

I was born and brought up in Tamil Nadu which has its own upbringing characteristics among which 'obedience' is one among them. I remember my parents saying, 'you should not make eye contact when you talk to elders!'. I was often told not to cross the legs when I sit in front of elders. These childhood conditioning virtually destroyed my ability even today to make 'eye contact & crossing leg' during my consulting visits.

You may argue that 'It is the speciality of Tamilian'. The statistics shows the vast majority of Tamilians are in service and hardly into to entrepreneur career. I would attribute this due to the lack of confidence due to childhood conditioning.

Let's look at what Thiruvalluvar said 1500 years ago: (Translation of the kural)

"If your child does not stand up for themselves, it is because from a young age you have disciplined them regularly in public"

He says, 'If you keep disciplining your child in the name of control in public, they will not be assertive'.

The meaning of the word 'assertiveness' is 'standing up for rights'. The opposite of assertiveness is 'Inhibitive' which means a timid behaviour of bottling up feelings without expression.

The western people are known for assertiveness and an average Indian is Inhibitive which is predominantly due to parenting. Why we need to be assertive? If one has to be successful in life he or she has to express their thoughts & feelings without the fear of rejection.

In summary:

1. Don't try to control your child 24 hours thinking it is stupid.

2. Allow your child to express its feelings and needs openly with you.

3. If your child don't open up to you it means you are putting it down all the time.

4. Never invalidate your child in public to look good in front of people who have no relevance.

5. Your child will behave like a child only and hence don't feel embarrassed in public.

6. Teach them good things but never discipline them.

Finally your child has born like a Lion and you don't grow him/her like a cat.

Jai Valluvar

With whole of my heart

NC

Parenting - Ambience at Home

We have seen many tips for developing our children in my previous posts which were assuming that parents are wiser and kids are stupid. I heard a radically a different view from Sadhguru as he is known for which is very appealing to me. Here goes his rationale:

The growth of the plant depends on the soil. Similarly personality of the child depends on the 'Home ambience'. If you want to teach peace, you have to create a peaceful ambience. If you wish to see a compassionate child, be compassionate with your family members. In essence, whatever quality you wish to emulate in your child be that yourself first.

Sadhguru says "You don't need to preach anything to your child but just walk the talk" .The child always wants to role model their parents. It will mirror you as it feels whatever you do is right. If you smoke or booze, forget about a non smoking teetotaler.

In summary, as parents let's not conclude we are smarter and intelligent than our offspring's as they have born in a new era with huge evolved mind. In fact we have to stop parenting stuffing our stupid outdated ideas and show a principle centric way of living which in itself be a big inspiration for them to role model.

According to Sadhguru parenting is looking into ourselves and figure out how we live and what way we can live better in front lof our children. If the father and mother fight like dog & cat, don't expect your child to be a peace lover. If the home is a blissful place, the child will be a Sadhguru one day.

From bottom of my heart

NC

Compassion - Notes to myself

I took my hand baggage and stowed it in the bins and pointed my window seat as mine to the husband & wife already occupied the middle and aisle seats. They gently got up and gave way to my possessive window seat which I always liked to occupy right from my first flight at the age of 34!

I was not lucky to fly when I was a child but I become one whenever I fly even today. I remember during my school days we were taken to the airport to show the plane and I was dreaming one day I should sit in the plane. Now I am tired of flying but still being a mechanical engineer, I always used to get excited to observe the take off and landing as though I am flying first time. May be this novelty keeps me alive to become a child whenever I get an opportunity.

When I sat in my seat and buckling my seat belt I noticed the guy next to me was so fat and hence occupied half of my seat with his posterior. In an economy class in a economy airlines one cannot expect more! That day morning only I read my Guruji's lesson on how to remain calm without becoming moody in spite of many environmental challenges. But this situation was really one of those for me to apply my Guru's advice. I was angry when that person pressed his giant like arms on mine. When this went on I was telling my mind 'Hey don't get annoyed and become moody' as I was practicing my Guru's wisdom.

Internally I was cursing this man in the next seat. Although I held the flight magazine in my hand, I was not reading it. As the flight took off they dimmed the light. I suddenly found the man in my next seat switched on the reading light, opened my tray and said 'Sir you can read now comfortably'. In spite of his wife cautioned him saying, 'The seat belt sign is still on and why are you opening the tray?', the man was not heeding to her plea.

I was amazed to see his compassion and felt ashamed of my poisonous thought towards him. I felt why I could not be compassionate to him while he could? I felt that all my wisdom and spiritual acumen is yet to refine myself and went on to take refuge in my Guru's book. With this incidence, I got an opportunity to examine my progress as a human being trying to become Jesus or Mahatma.

From bottom of my heart
Jai Gurudev

Parenting - Value other's feelings

I saw a recent movie "KAPOOR & Sons 1921" in which Rishi Kapoor plays a key role as the nanogenerian. It is about a family outwardly appearing to be very close, but each one of them betraying others very cleverly; husband having an affair, one son is a gay and so on. The grandfather alone proves to be a truthful & great guy full of joy although his days are numbered.

The director has tried to convey a message that the family unit is meant to respect others feelings but it is at cosmetic levels only as it happens in modern times.

I born in a family of 14 children but today in the name of nuclear family we have brought down to single child. If there is no siblings the child starves for caring & love as both parents are working for meeting both ends. During the distress that attacks the family, child has no one's shoulder to cry! Parents feel they are getting everything to their child, but they can't buy attention & love from market place.

Now Thirikural:

Thiruvalluvar says in one of his kurals:

"If your child does not respect other people’s feelings, it is because instead of speaking to your child, you order and command them"

I had huge resistance from parents for my previous post as they think they are doing everything right to their children and are unwilling to accept the views of the great sage who poured wisdom 1500 years ago. All his views are now confirmed by psychologists.

Listen carefully what Thiruvalluvar says, if parents don't have a two way communication with their child it fails to learn the art of respecting others feelings. Most of the parents feel their child cannot understand and needs to be commanded. Alas! What a foolish judgement? Even a newly born baby can feel the warmth of its mother.

Why child is more closer to mother than father? It is only because she exchanges feelings and listens to her child than the father. That is the reason it always speaks its needs through the mother when you are in a good mood.

Remember:

1. Your child is not a robot but a Jeevan with feelings.

2. The feeling of 'feeling' happens only when the feelings are respected.

3. Your child learns to respect feeling from parents only. If you don't care for them, they will become a rebellion.

4. Stop chasing wealth and ignore your children as after all you are earning for them only. You may gain wealth but by that time you may loose them.

5. There are thousands of people who have no child and are craving for it. But when you have it, please cherish them.

6. Don't stop with one child in the name of your comfort as single child always suffers for 'feelings' which cannot be given by your neighbour's child.

7. In summary: After all our children only give purpose to our life; hence care for their feelings by listening to them.

8. Don't be an army major at home. Be a pleasant companion to your child.

With whole of my heart

NC

Thought for Mind

Human beings are cursed not to learn from others mistake. We will burn our fingers to learn. The old adage said, 'Learn from others mistakes as you may not have time to commit all of them yourself'

Here a saying from Jesus:

'The Heavenly Father warned Adam & Eve not to eat the apple. If you do the snake will poison you'.

There is a deep import of wisdom in it.

The true meaning of Lord Jesus saying is:

The God told Adam & Eve, 'I have made you out of me and hence you are divine. You have all my powers and have to be very responsible to retain this power.

The apple here means 'Worldly ephemeral pleasures of life'. God said 'Don't succumb to pleasures of life; if you do you will loose all my powers'.

The serpent is the Kundali energy that sleeps in Muladhara chakra which is the sex centre. God said, 'If you eat the apple you will get trapped in creating human only through sex'.

This means you will never raise beyond any experiences higher than sex. Adam & Eve broke the promise and we are in perennial sins as they are our fore fathers.

Remember that "You are divine in Human form". Realizing this truth is spirituality.

Jai Gurudeva

NC