How to make marriage work? - Value the Value

Values drive behavior

It is interesting to recognize the fact that each human being has a distinct personality which is manifested through their behaviors. The behavior is the result of the "Values" each individuals have in their bosom developed right from the childhood conditioning or 'Vasana' of previous incarnations. The girl grew up for 25 years in her family with their value system, eating habits, liking for certain dresses, taste for certain type of food and so on. Similarly the boy grew up in his ambience has his own value system which will be largely different from the girl he is marrying. This fact has to be accepted and respected for any relationship to stay strong.

In India the social custom is the girl has to severe her umbilical chord from her family and adopt to the husbands family. This poses a problem as shifting the paradigm and aligning with a new set of values is not all that easy. In the name of inter-cast / religion marriages we introduce still more differences like language, religious belief, culture and many more.

When two human beings live together and share their life, every act in the day to day life has different view points and leads to 'Conflict'. Husband wants to eat outside and wife believes they must eat at home! Wife wants chinese food and husband wants Panjabi food! These differences continues in the choice of cloths and all other choices there on! Conflict, Conflict and conflict.  We have not been trained to resolve conflicts and hence the fight starts for all silly reasons till it becomes unbearable to stay together. Maturity is in fact understanding the value difference and accepting it. When we try to change the values and behaviors overnight it reaches the boiling point. How can one undo something which is formed over quarter century in this life and many millions of old incarnations? 

It is strange that these differences don't matter during the pre-marriage dating where both partners are so flexible to each other which becomes a monster after sharing life? What is the difference? the people are the same and they believed that they were 'Loving' each other? If Love helped to lubricate friction between each other, where it has disappeared after wedding? Love cannot disappear over night after a week of honey moon? as it is a deep connection like 'Mother's love to her child which as no Expiry date'??

The issue is the 'love' itself was nothing but 'Lust' which has a weak foundation and once the sexual gratifications are fulfilled, what is left is 'Nothing'! If a person truly loves someone, he/she will value the differences and conflict resolution will be fun. Let us look at an example of another relationship - Mother and her child. The child wants something and the mother feels the other way leading to conflict. Say for example the child has fever and wants to eat ice cream. The mother deeply concerned about the health of the child deals with the adamant child with Love. When Love is predominant and value differences are accepted as natural phenomenon, it is extremely easy to resolve conflicts. 

Hence if you want your marriage to work:

1. Learn to appreciate the Value difference of your spouse.
2. Accept him / her as they are.
3. Love is 'Un-conditional' - You cannot say 'I will love you if like Chinese food'
4. Conflict are 'fun' - if they are not there; nothing left in life.
5. Respect the choice of your spouse which is coming from her / his value.
6. Put a barometer and check 'Whether' you really love your spouse and if not ask why you are living with that person?
7. If you really love your spouse, you will be keen to see that person happy always.
8. If that is your motive, your ego will never stay in the way to give way your choices for your spouse.
9. Lastly, close your eyes and imagine 'Your spouse is not going to be there tomorrow' and think what are all you will do to keep that person happy. Don't wait for that day, start right now with this thinking. 
10. Imagine you are in your death bed and feeling all that kind acts you missed to do to your spouse and the harsh words you spoke. This will roll down tears in your eyes and don't wait till your last day; start being kind to your spouse.

"Your sanity is the result of the loved ones in your life which starts with your spouse - Be thankful to them"

Jai Gurudev

Love

NC